The Journey of Love (5/10/07)
Written eight days before my wedding.
I fist saw Vanessa months before I ever met her. I was studying at a coffee shop and she walked in to join some other girls for a Bible study. I noticed her and thought to myself… “I wish I could meet a beautiful Christian girl like her.” She just had this glow about her, like she was full of joy! And I prayed to God to help me meet someone similar.
Many months later I saw an attractive young woman talking to my friend Savanah, so I raced across the church lobby hoping Savanah would introduce me… Bun she didn’t appear to be doing that anytime soon. So I took matters into my own hands. I backed up into Savanah till I bumped into her, “Oh! Hey, sorry… Hi! I’m David.” I said, introducing myself to Vanessa… Savanah finally introduced me as her friend and helped me to get a little lunch scheduled with Vanessa for the next week. Lunch was a success and a week later we had our first date.
As for the first date, it went well and was a lot of fun, Vanessa had a wonderful smile and just exuded warmth and tenderness. Another quality that I admired in her was that she absolutely loved kids, and she lit up when I asked her about her teaching at LifeKids. Though the first date was a success, I didn’t think she was the one for me. However, I continued to feel drawn to her. Today, I believe that draw that I felt was directed by God’s great plan. But at the time I tried to simply hang out with her as a friend and did so for about three weeks, but the more I was around her the more I felt drawn to her. Finally, I just had to kiss her. And I did, and it was amazing! But this created a problem, because now I felt that she would grow attached to me, and I didn’t know if I wanted to marry her. I know that sounds kind of crazy, but I take the heart of a woman very seriously, and I did not want to really date someone unless I really thought she could be the one, or if the girl just didn’t seem to be interested in seriously dating. But Vanessa did seem interested in seriously dating. I finally gave in and let God take me down uncharted territory, and I opened myself up to the possibility of falling in love.
On this journey of “falling in love,” there were a few bumpy spots in this road, when I felt emotions I had never felt with any of the other girls I had ever gone on dates with… I admit I got a little freaked out a few times, but as much time as I spent praying about it, I always felt I was to continue on. After several months I finally got comfortable with the thought of falling in love and heading towards marriage. During this time every single moment with Vanessa was pure bliss, there could be no wrong. We were head over heels, and I thought we would get married. But as the months rolled on and we approached 8 months of being together, it became evident that there were some serious issues that needed to be addressed, but neither of us really could see them, but I began to feel like a huge weight was weighing me down. I remember mountain biking with my friend Nathan and we stopped in the middle of the trail and I started talking to him about it, well… I was talking and he was listening. And I seriously felt so uncomfortable about continuing to date her that I wanted to break it off. But I also take breaking up as seriously as I take dating. Instead of breaking it off I asked for a break. Vanessa and I took about a 9 days apart, in which we were to have no communication at all, just praying. During those days God spoke to both of us. He showed us where we were going wrong. We both had some issues we needed to work on. When we met up again, we had both prepared a letter. In my letter I told of the things that God had told me, planning to break up. But after reading Vanessa’s letter, I saw that God dealt with her on every issue that I had been concerned about, as well as telling me what I needed to work on. It seemed God was still working to grow us as individuals and as a couple. Needless to say, we did not break up.
From that moment on, we both began to grow in ways that we never knew that we needed to grow. It wasn’t always easy, but God was always at work. And in the middle of it all, I still just loved hanging out with her, even if there wasn’t anything to do. I found her intriguing, sweet, precious, tender, devoted, tenacious, and fun! But I still felt uneasy about the thought of actually proposing. However, she on the other hand was ready to tie the knot. This bit of difference in “speed of decision” proved to be another challenge, but again… God was the answer.
God was definitely in control, and placed key people in my life to share very important things to help me confront my own lack of trust in God that was at the route of my fear of commitment. It was also through Vanessa that I saw Christ’s unconditional love for me in a way that was so real that I could really believe in God’s love for me. And in the light of the realization of my lack of trust (I had been fooling myself into thinking that I was truly trusting God with my life,) I finally admitted to God that I do want to trust him and I placed every possible fear of the future in his hands. I told God that I wanted what he wanted for me even if the road he takes me down isn’t easy, even if it is filled with lots of pain. On his road, even if there was pain there would also be meaning and joy. If I called the shots, I may have the avoidance of pain, I may have pleasure, but I will not find meaning or joy. So we continued to date, and when I moved to Tulsa for my residency, she moved as well.
Our move to Tulsa was just what I needed to grow together with Vanessa. It was also just want Vanessa needed to further develop her individuality, strength and independence. I look at the two of us prior to moving compared to now, and I can barely recognize either one of us.
We dated for 2 years and 3 months before I proposed. We had been through the “honeymoon phase” where neither one of us can do any wrong… we were floating on a cloud of blissful emotions! We had also been down the road of conviction and personal growth. We had crossed over to a phase where everything felt “usual.” The excitement had “evened out.” But then we grew past the “usual” phase to the land of “deeper love”. I always knew that I couldn’t marry anyone unless I still wanted to be with them after the newness and excitement of the honeymoon phase had passed. And on July 7, 2006 I knew I had made it across all phases of love and emotion that could be experienced during dating and courtship. I knew that I loved Vanessa more than myself, and that even though I cannot be in control of our destiny, I knew that I wanted Vanessa there by my side as we go through life being carried down the river of God’s will. And I knew that I had God’s blessing for this. The proposal was amazing, and I had a release of such emotion… I had never experienced anything quite like this in my entire life! I wanted to hold her and never let go.
During the past 10 months of engagement, my love and excitement to spend my life with Vanessa has only deepened. We both continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. My capacity to love Vanessa in an unselfish way only deepens. I love Vanessa more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone. I just do not have words to describe how I feel. But I do know that while marriage once scared me, it scares me no more. I cannot wait to be married!!! I look forward to every part of this life’s journey with Vanessa. I could not have gotten here without God. In fact at times, God was pulling me to this point while I was kicking and screaming. But I am glad he loved me enough to get me over here, because now I never want to go back. I love Vanessa, and I love God. I am truly blessed, and I want all the glory to point to back to Him. Thank you for loving me, my heavenly father.
David